The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today
That I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Ah...these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things - we kill I guess...
Ohh pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us you know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me...
Forgiveness

I wish I was a mute...

...then maybe I wouldn't get myself into stupid situations.

Once again, I have totally misinterpreted the situation, and made it out to be something more than it is. AGAIN.

I was embarrassed, upset, disappointed, scared, and just felt really, really foolish. I'm okay now, but I bet my face was red at the time.

I need to stop making mountains out of molehills - positively AND negatively!

I want to watch TV!

We still have no electricity! And more storms are headed our way! Lol could things get worse? Seriously!

The government is offering relief payments of $165 and I want to apply for one to cover the cost of groceries that went off in our fridge, but I don't know if I'm eligible, or if me claiming one is being totally selfish compared to the people who cant even LIVE in their houses at the moment. It's just so awful - some people have lost everything and the whole suburb has this really hushed, eerie feel to it. There are trucks and army people everywhere, and it's a bit scary. My normally leafy suburb has become completely opened up because all the trees have crashed down! Everything is exposed. It feels so weird.

Me and D arent back together, but I think we're going to give dating a try. I know it's not exactly what I was hoping for, but I am still so stoked he is actually considering us getting back together one day, and that he's putting enough faith in me to try dating! I just love him so much, and see all the good things he does for me.

Interesting question - what do I do for him? How do I complete him? I honestly dont know. There are areas that I seem to be stronger than him in, and I know I'm good to talk to, I can be rational and objective when giving advice. I know he has fun with me and I make him smile, but is that enough? There has to be more. I have to find more!

The Storm, The Question & The Waiting

HUUUUGE storm on Sunday afternoon at my place! It was crazy! Brisbane has apparently been declared a "natural disaster zone" as well - it's pretty bad. I couldn't get to work yesterday due to my street being blocked by fallen trees and powerlines! We have heaps of trees down all over the property and a smashed window, but compared to some other houses, we came out of this thing pretty well!!

Plus on top of all that, we still don't have any power (it's Tuesday) and it might not be restored until tomorrow morning! Gah! Oh and the water is contaminated so it all has to be boiled before drinking! GAH!

So last night I went and stayed at His place which I was very grateful for. Until we started arguing. But I know I'm to blame as well, instead of listening to him and taking in what he's saying, I just react and get upset which leads to me being bitchy. And me being bitchy is never good for me - I always end up being the one who gets the most upset!

Somewhere along the line, we started talking again, and I started talking about getting back together (which was unusual because normally I plan these "speeches" well in advance!!!) and he's going to think about it!

I know he has doubts, and I completely understand them, I wish I could do something to convince him I'm a different person now!

I really hope he decides to try again...I know I would be a great partner to him this time, and we wouldnt break up again. I love him with all my heart, and I would do anything (within reason) for him. I just want to make him happy.

I'm trying to just not bring it up with him (which is easy right now because I'm at work!) because I know he wants time to think without me pushing. But I just want to know! I swear I am the most impatient person on the planet! But I do know from past experience that if I push, he will definitely say no, so I will continue on with what I've got to do, and hopefully he'll make the decision "YES"!!

Interview & Moving!

I'm moving house! Yay! Moving to a really pretty apartment in the city with another girl who is SUPER super nice! I'm a bit excited! It'll be so much easier to get to work everyday, and I'll be closer to all my friends!

On another note, going for an interview at a "gentlemen's club" tonight - decided I can't go back to escorting...everytime I think about it, my skin crawls, and I just can't imagine doing it again, however the extra money would be handy especially with moving, so I thought "Well why not look at possibly doing some dancing/waitressing/hostessing?" Then I still get decent money, but there will be no actual sex which is a relief to me!

My only issues now are 1) I'm fat (well I'm a size 12, but I used to be a 10 so I feel fat) and 2) I can't dance! I assume they will provide training (and maybe diet pills? lol) so that won't be too bad.

I've just looked at some of the websites for clubs in my city and almost all the girls on there are skinny with big boobs and blonde hair! I'm shortish, curvy, with dark brown hair! And little boobs! I wish I'd been blessed with a perfect figure lol

Well there's no point stressing about it now! Will have to wait until after the "interview" tonight to form an opinion I guess!

Ugh, so sleepy. Been at work for nearly 10 hours, only 15 minutes to go though thank God! Then off to the apartment to do some paperwork, then off to the club to see if I can do it and if they even want me!!

Wish me luck!!

List

1. I will be completely honest
2. I will treat him as a friend
3. I will not call him repeatedly
4. I will be mature about things
5. I won't try to seek his attention by being self destructive
6. I won't make him the centre of my universe
7. I wont change my plans according on his opinions
8. I will listen to the advice he gives
9. I will show him respect

All these things will help me to be a better person towards him, and in my whole life.

Other things I want to do:

1. Be responsible with my housework
2. Keep up with my driving lessons
3. Stop getting CC advances
4. Be responsible with my job
5. See my friends more
6. Go to the gym!!
7. Cook healthier foods & plan ahead
8. Stick to my budgets

Now it's written down and out of my head hooray!

An Ode To Curry

I freaking LOVE red thai curry. Knowing I had it in the fridge ready for lunch today made Monday morning so much easier. Yum. I can't think of better comfort food.

I mean, the taste is great, it feels healthy even though it totally isn't, the spices release endorphins, and it's just freakin awesome! And it's sooo easy to cook as well!

I can't believe how fast this year has gone! Got our Christmas Party invites today.

I've decided to return to "work" in about a month's time. That'll give me time to sort out contraception, make sure I'm definitely okay with it, and prepare myself :-)

I'm going to use some of the money I'll earn to pay for my ATP course (equiv. Year 12) so I can then look at some further education options, see what I want to do.

The only thing that has stopped me from getting my ATP in the past was money (it's fairly expensive and needs to be paid upfront) so once I have the money it won't be a problem!

Things are falling into place the more that I think about them which is good. My ex has been helping me a lot, talking me through things, letting me bounce ideas off him etc. It's been really nice! I just keep reminding myself where things are at with us, and I'm fine :-)

WHY CAN'T I SHUT UP??

Oh my God!

I totally flipped my lid last night. I don't remember all of it, but most of it freaked me out. It was really scary!

Eventually my ex got me to calm down which was good, but now I feel like a total FUCKWIT for letting myself go that far in the first place.

Why couldn't I have kept my thoughts to myself? Or better yet, just left like I was originally going to...until I got comfy and snuggly and it was late and there's a whole lot of excuses I could put out there but I'm gonna stop.

I hate that I can't control what I feel. I hate that there is something in my LIFE that I can't control!

I have got to stop doing this stuff. It's not fair to him, or to me. All I'm doing is fucking myself up, and then blaming him for it because I love him.

Bad day.

I would walk to the end of the earth for you xx

Snap decision yesterday - no more escorting. Although I didn't make the decision completely on my own...talking to my ex (a.k.a. The Love of My Life) and he doesn't like me doing the jobs - he supports me in my decision to do so, but yeah, doesn't like it. And I want to marry this man one day, so out of the biz!

I feel very clear about things - have worked out some things I want to do with my life to get where I want to be (that don't involve nudity lol)

The things I want in my future will be hard to get if I continue with this job, because I know where I'm heading - the attraction to the money and hours and lifestyle was already getting to me, and I'm sure it wouldn't have been long until I quit my day job and started doing it full time.

The silly thing is, I'm totally going to miss the attention from men! I mean, I know they're paying for it and for some of them, it probably wouldn't matter a whole lot about my body shape or face, but I still liked the attention - that they were happy to pay to be with me! It was a bit of an ego boost!

So now I'm back to boring nights at home, being single.

I wish He would fall back in love with me...he's everything I could ever want in a partner, and I'm such an idiot for screwing that up the first time!!! Not to mention all the other BS I carried on with for a year and a half *sigh* he's my best friend in the whole world, I can talk to him about anything and everything, and he's still there for me.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be all the things I want to be - honest, confident, independent and strong. And over him. Or at least over the idea that we will get back together someday. Then I could concentrate on me and actually have a chance of getting him back.

But then again, how do you know who "The One" is?? I think it's him, but we aren't together and haven't been for nearly 2 years, so does that mean he isn't the one? Or was it just bad timing originally? Can we make it work down the track? Is he ever going to see me that way again? Argh so many questions. I just can't shake that feeling inside me that says he is it.

But then on the flipside - I can't express any of these feelings to him because he prefers me not to talk to him about it. We're broken up so he sees no need for the cute messages, and "I love you's". And I guess I understand that *heavier sigh* we have been broken up for a long time and me still not being over him is pretty pathetic.

Everybody (including him) says TIME - time time time time f*cking TIME! He and I never did the "not speaking to each other for a while after the breakup" thing, so maybe he (and everybody else) is right - maybe I need to have a few months of not speaking to him so I can let go a bit.

I mean, look, it's not like I haven't tried - I have. Many many times. And every single time I failed after about a week when I'd be crying and missing him. And it is really hard for me to comprehend that he doesn't feel the same way about me - I know he loves me, but yeah, it's the old cliche - he's not IN love with me.

I need to do something because this has been going on for quite a while - don't get me wrong, I'm a lot better than I used to be with him. I can handle a lot more, and don't get so upset, and don't think my world is ending when he hangs up on me anymore!!! But still - it's not healthy.

I know I'm holding him back from moving on into another relationship, and part of me is scared to walk away and give him that opportunity to meet someone else, and fall in love with her. The other part of me berates myself for being such a selfish bitch - I care about him a great deal, why can't I put my own feelings aside to let him be happier??

I need to make a choice and stick to it this time. And I can't kid myself that staying friends with him but biting my tongue when I feel affectionate is going to be okay - that's what I'm doing now, and if I'm writing about it, obviously I know it's not okay.

It's just so hard to stay away from him as my life is pretty empty - am thinking of going back to school at nights to 1) further my career and 2) give me something to focus on!

*bazillion sighs*

The Brothel

I went and had an interview at a brothel last night - very eye opening. The girls are so nice, the manager was amazing, gave me a tour, told me everything, even answered all my stupid, naive questions!!

So I was offered a shift, and I said "Yes! Definitely!" and then I went home.

I thought about it. I thought about my day job. I thought about my friends, my family. I thought about how people in my house just throw the word "whore" around and laugh, and don't think that it actually affects me.

So I'm quitting the biz. I thought I would've lasted longer than a month! I'm a bit ashamed to say I can't do it anymore.

This lifestyle is WAAAAY too attractive to me! And I need my day job as a regular income, but part of me just wants to give my notice and go work in the brothel.

Being in there it just felt so natural, and so right, like I belonged there! And that scared me, because I never wanted to make sex work a long term career, just a short dalliance to pay off my debts. But I can see how I could make it a longer term....looking after myself, gym, working hard - you really could have it all.

But I couldn't have my friends support...

I Don't Like Mondays

God why I am so tired??? This day job is getting harder and harder to go to!

I had a client who decided he was going to bareback me yesterday - while changing positions he removed the condom! I didn't realise because I was already a bit sore, and I only found out when he pulled out to climax!

I was so bloody mad - I wanted to hit him, but he's a big man and I knew one punch from him would probably kill me. He swears he's clean, but WTF?? I'm supposed to just take his word for it??

Why would anyone want to do that with a prostitute anyway? I mean, how many other men must I have been with, and how does he know I practice safe sex with ALL of them?

More importantly - why don't they care??? It's a big problem, and some men just don't seem to give a shit!!

It makes me so mad - he's putting my health at risk. It's so completely selfish and rude. And he's a regular who I've seen before - not anymore. I berated him afterwards and told him next time I will be watching everything and that any positions where we weren't face to face were now off limits to him - but the more I thought about it later, the more I think it's safer for me to just not see that particular client again. I know if he has something, I've probably already got it now, but there's also the risk of pregnancy. And also the fact that this guy just cannot be trusted!

It totally ruined my day.

Why me?

Why do I attract the weirdos?

You know the type - they're a friend of a friend who liked you for a while, they finally contact you, you respond being polite, and then all of a sudden BAM 10 emails in 5 minutes. You've already been petnamed. They pester you to meet them for coffee, and when you decline saying you're "too busy" - they say they will just wait then. And then they tell you how beautiful you are AGAIN!

Hey buddy - I've known you for about an hour - how's about you just back up a teensy bit?

And what sucks the most is that a lot of the time, these guys are actually pretty decent looking and you WOULD date them - but they've compulsively emailed/facebook-stalked you and ruined EVERYTHING!

NOTE TO GUYS - Yes it's sweet to tell us how pretty you think we are when you've never actually met us, it's sweet to send a couple of emails, but there is a LINE - and that line, if crossed, will take you on an express trip from Potential to Friend-Zone in about 20 seconds flat.

And we all know there's no coming back once you've been Friend-Zoned.

Ooops!

So it turns out my appointment for tonight was actually meant for last night!

Somehow without realising I scheduled it yesterday for that night....oh man.

Lucky he's an understanding regular who knows I have memory slips occasionally!!

But still - stupid much princess???

If only I didn't have feelings!

Arrgggh why oh why does my ex boyfriend still manage to get to me?

It used to be pretty painful arguing with him, but now he has a whole new weapon to use against me - that's right "So you're back to hooking then huh". Stupid me said I was having a week off the job to get my head together and make sure I was ok, and I changed my mind after being reminded by a client that I had an appointment with him tonight, and he's thrown it straight back in my face as always.

Why am I still "friends" with him? Our relationship really brings to light the meaning of the word 'frenemies' - I hate the bastard with the fire of a thousand suns some days, then other days I wish we were back together because he's the most amazing man I've ever met.

Crap.

When did life get so complicated? Two years ago things were so much easier. Now I'm an office girl by day, call girl by night, still hung up over a relationship that ended many many moons ago...okay no more pitying myself. Seriously.

Got a brazilian yesterday (a must in this job) - I wonder if I can claim waxing back on tax? I mean, I lose money if it's not well looked after so technically it should count...but my gym membership doesn't so who knows. The tax system is confusing! Will definitely have to get myself an accountant at some point.

Hmm....I wonder what underwear I'll wear tonight...

So I'm an escort....

It's only been 2 weeks since I started out as a "sex worker" - not on the street, or in a brothel - I'm a private escort who works for herself, making appointments via email or on the phone.

Most of my friends know, my parents don't. I think the shock would probably kill them. That, or they'd disown me.

I've been lucky in that I haven't had any shocking clients yet, but then, I haven't that many clients to begin with! I work full time during the day in an office, so can't do all the jobs I'm requested for.

I had 2 back-to-back appointments booked tonight, both fairly high paying jobs too, but due to my totally shite mood today I've decided to cancel them.

Am now KICKING myself for the loss of money. They would gotten me that bit closer to my goal.

I just had one of those "OMG I'm a WHORE" days today, and I (stupidly) let it get the best of me. Stupid stupid stupid.

But then again, one client had requested golden showers (which I've never done before) so I guess it was a blessing...