I would walk to the end of the earth for you xx

Snap decision yesterday - no more escorting. Although I didn't make the decision completely on my own...talking to my ex (a.k.a. The Love of My Life) and he doesn't like me doing the jobs - he supports me in my decision to do so, but yeah, doesn't like it. And I want to marry this man one day, so out of the biz!

I feel very clear about things - have worked out some things I want to do with my life to get where I want to be (that don't involve nudity lol)

The things I want in my future will be hard to get if I continue with this job, because I know where I'm heading - the attraction to the money and hours and lifestyle was already getting to me, and I'm sure it wouldn't have been long until I quit my day job and started doing it full time.

The silly thing is, I'm totally going to miss the attention from men! I mean, I know they're paying for it and for some of them, it probably wouldn't matter a whole lot about my body shape or face, but I still liked the attention - that they were happy to pay to be with me! It was a bit of an ego boost!

So now I'm back to boring nights at home, being single.

I wish He would fall back in love with me...he's everything I could ever want in a partner, and I'm such an idiot for screwing that up the first time!!! Not to mention all the other BS I carried on with for a year and a half *sigh* he's my best friend in the whole world, I can talk to him about anything and everything, and he's still there for me.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be all the things I want to be - honest, confident, independent and strong. And over him. Or at least over the idea that we will get back together someday. Then I could concentrate on me and actually have a chance of getting him back.

But then again, how do you know who "The One" is?? I think it's him, but we aren't together and haven't been for nearly 2 years, so does that mean he isn't the one? Or was it just bad timing originally? Can we make it work down the track? Is he ever going to see me that way again? Argh so many questions. I just can't shake that feeling inside me that says he is it.

But then on the flipside - I can't express any of these feelings to him because he prefers me not to talk to him about it. We're broken up so he sees no need for the cute messages, and "I love you's". And I guess I understand that *heavier sigh* we have been broken up for a long time and me still not being over him is pretty pathetic.

Everybody (including him) says TIME - time time time time f*cking TIME! He and I never did the "not speaking to each other for a while after the breakup" thing, so maybe he (and everybody else) is right - maybe I need to have a few months of not speaking to him so I can let go a bit.

I mean, look, it's not like I haven't tried - I have. Many many times. And every single time I failed after about a week when I'd be crying and missing him. And it is really hard for me to comprehend that he doesn't feel the same way about me - I know he loves me, but yeah, it's the old cliche - he's not IN love with me.

I need to do something because this has been going on for quite a while - don't get me wrong, I'm a lot better than I used to be with him. I can handle a lot more, and don't get so upset, and don't think my world is ending when he hangs up on me anymore!!! But still - it's not healthy.

I know I'm holding him back from moving on into another relationship, and part of me is scared to walk away and give him that opportunity to meet someone else, and fall in love with her. The other part of me berates myself for being such a selfish bitch - I care about him a great deal, why can't I put my own feelings aside to let him be happier??

I need to make a choice and stick to it this time. And I can't kid myself that staying friends with him but biting my tongue when I feel affectionate is going to be okay - that's what I'm doing now, and if I'm writing about it, obviously I know it's not okay.

It's just so hard to stay away from him as my life is pretty empty - am thinking of going back to school at nights to 1) further my career and 2) give me something to focus on!

*bazillion sighs*