Oh my God!
I totally flipped my lid last night. I don't remember all of it, but most of it freaked me out. It was really scary!
Eventually my ex got me to calm down which was good, but now I feel like a total FUCKWIT for letting myself go that far in the first place.
Why couldn't I have kept my thoughts to myself? Or better yet, just left like I was originally going to...until I got comfy and snuggly and it was late and there's a whole lot of excuses I could put out there but I'm gonna stop.
I hate that I can't control what I feel. I hate that there is something in my LIFE that I can't control!
I have got to stop doing this stuff. It's not fair to him, or to me. All I'm doing is fucking myself up, and then blaming him for it because I love him.
Bad day.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I would walk to the end of the earth for you xx
Snap decision yesterday - no more escorting. Although I didn't make the decision completely on my own...talking to my ex (a.k.a. The Love of My Life) and he doesn't like me doing the jobs - he supports me in my decision to do so, but yeah, doesn't like it. And I want to marry this man one day, so out of the biz!
I feel very clear about things - have worked out some things I want to do with my life to get where I want to be (that don't involve nudity lol)
The things I want in my future will be hard to get if I continue with this job, because I know where I'm heading - the attraction to the money and hours and lifestyle was already getting to me, and I'm sure it wouldn't have been long until I quit my day job and started doing it full time.
The silly thing is, I'm totally going to miss the attention from men! I mean, I know they're paying for it and for some of them, it probably wouldn't matter a whole lot about my body shape or face, but I still liked the attention - that they were happy to pay to be with me! It was a bit of an ego boost!
So now I'm back to boring nights at home, being single.
I wish He would fall back in love with me...he's everything I could ever want in a partner, and I'm such an idiot for screwing that up the first time!!! Not to mention all the other BS I carried on with for a year and a half *sigh* he's my best friend in the whole world, I can talk to him about anything and everything, and he's still there for me.
I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be all the things I want to be - honest, confident, independent and strong. And over him. Or at least over the idea that we will get back together someday. Then I could concentrate on me and actually have a chance of getting him back.
But then again, how do you know who "The One" is?? I think it's him, but we aren't together and haven't been for nearly 2 years, so does that mean he isn't the one? Or was it just bad timing originally? Can we make it work down the track? Is he ever going to see me that way again? Argh so many questions. I just can't shake that feeling inside me that says he is it.
But then on the flipside - I can't express any of these feelings to him because he prefers me not to talk to him about it. We're broken up so he sees no need for the cute messages, and "I love you's". And I guess I understand that *heavier sigh* we have been broken up for a long time and me still not being over him is pretty pathetic.
Everybody (including him) says TIME - time time time time f*cking TIME! He and I never did the "not speaking to each other for a while after the breakup" thing, so maybe he (and everybody else) is right - maybe I need to have a few months of not speaking to him so I can let go a bit.
I mean, look, it's not like I haven't tried - I have. Many many times. And every single time I failed after about a week when I'd be crying and missing him. And it is really hard for me to comprehend that he doesn't feel the same way about me - I know he loves me, but yeah, it's the old cliche - he's not IN love with me.
I need to do something because this has been going on for quite a while - don't get me wrong, I'm a lot better than I used to be with him. I can handle a lot more, and don't get so upset, and don't think my world is ending when he hangs up on me anymore!!! But still - it's not healthy.
I know I'm holding him back from moving on into another relationship, and part of me is scared to walk away and give him that opportunity to meet someone else, and fall in love with her. The other part of me berates myself for being such a selfish bitch - I care about him a great deal, why can't I put my own feelings aside to let him be happier??
I need to make a choice and stick to it this time. And I can't kid myself that staying friends with him but biting my tongue when I feel affectionate is going to be okay - that's what I'm doing now, and if I'm writing about it, obviously I know it's not okay.
It's just so hard to stay away from him as my life is pretty empty - am thinking of going back to school at nights to 1) further my career and 2) give me something to focus on!
*bazillion sighs*
I feel very clear about things - have worked out some things I want to do with my life to get where I want to be (that don't involve nudity lol)
The things I want in my future will be hard to get if I continue with this job, because I know where I'm heading - the attraction to the money and hours and lifestyle was already getting to me, and I'm sure it wouldn't have been long until I quit my day job and started doing it full time.
The silly thing is, I'm totally going to miss the attention from men! I mean, I know they're paying for it and for some of them, it probably wouldn't matter a whole lot about my body shape or face, but I still liked the attention - that they were happy to pay to be with me! It was a bit of an ego boost!
So now I'm back to boring nights at home, being single.
I wish He would fall back in love with me...he's everything I could ever want in a partner, and I'm such an idiot for screwing that up the first time!!! Not to mention all the other BS I carried on with for a year and a half *sigh* he's my best friend in the whole world, I can talk to him about anything and everything, and he's still there for me.
I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be all the things I want to be - honest, confident, independent and strong. And over him. Or at least over the idea that we will get back together someday. Then I could concentrate on me and actually have a chance of getting him back.
But then again, how do you know who "The One" is?? I think it's him, but we aren't together and haven't been for nearly 2 years, so does that mean he isn't the one? Or was it just bad timing originally? Can we make it work down the track? Is he ever going to see me that way again? Argh so many questions. I just can't shake that feeling inside me that says he is it.
But then on the flipside - I can't express any of these feelings to him because he prefers me not to talk to him about it. We're broken up so he sees no need for the cute messages, and "I love you's". And I guess I understand that *heavier sigh* we have been broken up for a long time and me still not being over him is pretty pathetic.
Everybody (including him) says TIME - time time time time f*cking TIME! He and I never did the "not speaking to each other for a while after the breakup" thing, so maybe he (and everybody else) is right - maybe I need to have a few months of not speaking to him so I can let go a bit.
I mean, look, it's not like I haven't tried - I have. Many many times. And every single time I failed after about a week when I'd be crying and missing him. And it is really hard for me to comprehend that he doesn't feel the same way about me - I know he loves me, but yeah, it's the old cliche - he's not IN love with me.
I need to do something because this has been going on for quite a while - don't get me wrong, I'm a lot better than I used to be with him. I can handle a lot more, and don't get so upset, and don't think my world is ending when he hangs up on me anymore!!! But still - it's not healthy.
I know I'm holding him back from moving on into another relationship, and part of me is scared to walk away and give him that opportunity to meet someone else, and fall in love with her. The other part of me berates myself for being such a selfish bitch - I care about him a great deal, why can't I put my own feelings aside to let him be happier??
I need to make a choice and stick to it this time. And I can't kid myself that staying friends with him but biting my tongue when I feel affectionate is going to be okay - that's what I'm doing now, and if I'm writing about it, obviously I know it's not okay.
It's just so hard to stay away from him as my life is pretty empty - am thinking of going back to school at nights to 1) further my career and 2) give me something to focus on!
*bazillion sighs*
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The Brothel
I went and had an interview at a brothel last night - very eye opening. The girls are so nice, the manager was amazing, gave me a tour, told me everything, even answered all my stupid, naive questions!!
So I was offered a shift, and I said "Yes! Definitely!" and then I went home.
I thought about it. I thought about my day job. I thought about my friends, my family. I thought about how people in my house just throw the word "whore" around and laugh, and don't think that it actually affects me.
So I'm quitting the biz. I thought I would've lasted longer than a month! I'm a bit ashamed to say I can't do it anymore.
This lifestyle is WAAAAY too attractive to me! And I need my day job as a regular income, but part of me just wants to give my notice and go work in the brothel.
Being in there it just felt so natural, and so right, like I belonged there! And that scared me, because I never wanted to make sex work a long term career, just a short dalliance to pay off my debts. But I can see how I could make it a longer term....looking after myself, gym, working hard - you really could have it all.
But I couldn't have my friends support...
So I was offered a shift, and I said "Yes! Definitely!" and then I went home.
I thought about it. I thought about my day job. I thought about my friends, my family. I thought about how people in my house just throw the word "whore" around and laugh, and don't think that it actually affects me.
So I'm quitting the biz. I thought I would've lasted longer than a month! I'm a bit ashamed to say I can't do it anymore.
This lifestyle is WAAAAY too attractive to me! And I need my day job as a regular income, but part of me just wants to give my notice and go work in the brothel.
Being in there it just felt so natural, and so right, like I belonged there! And that scared me, because I never wanted to make sex work a long term career, just a short dalliance to pay off my debts. But I can see how I could make it a longer term....looking after myself, gym, working hard - you really could have it all.
But I couldn't have my friends support...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I Don't Like Mondays
God why I am so tired??? This day job is getting harder and harder to go to!
I had a client who decided he was going to bareback me yesterday - while changing positions he removed the condom! I didn't realise because I was already a bit sore, and I only found out when he pulled out to climax!
I was so bloody mad - I wanted to hit him, but he's a big man and I knew one punch from him would probably kill me. He swears he's clean, but WTF?? I'm supposed to just take his word for it??
Why would anyone want to do that with a prostitute anyway? I mean, how many other men must I have been with, and how does he know I practice safe sex with ALL of them?
More importantly - why don't they care??? It's a big problem, and some men just don't seem to give a shit!!
It makes me so mad - he's putting my health at risk. It's so completely selfish and rude. And he's a regular who I've seen before - not anymore. I berated him afterwards and told him next time I will be watching everything and that any positions where we weren't face to face were now off limits to him - but the more I thought about it later, the more I think it's safer for me to just not see that particular client again. I know if he has something, I've probably already got it now, but there's also the risk of pregnancy. And also the fact that this guy just cannot be trusted!
It totally ruined my day.
I had a client who decided he was going to bareback me yesterday - while changing positions he removed the condom! I didn't realise because I was already a bit sore, and I only found out when he pulled out to climax!
I was so bloody mad - I wanted to hit him, but he's a big man and I knew one punch from him would probably kill me. He swears he's clean, but WTF?? I'm supposed to just take his word for it??
Why would anyone want to do that with a prostitute anyway? I mean, how many other men must I have been with, and how does he know I practice safe sex with ALL of them?
More importantly - why don't they care??? It's a big problem, and some men just don't seem to give a shit!!
It makes me so mad - he's putting my health at risk. It's so completely selfish and rude. And he's a regular who I've seen before - not anymore. I berated him afterwards and told him next time I will be watching everything and that any positions where we weren't face to face were now off limits to him - but the more I thought about it later, the more I think it's safer for me to just not see that particular client again. I know if he has something, I've probably already got it now, but there's also the risk of pregnancy. And also the fact that this guy just cannot be trusted!
It totally ruined my day.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Why me?
Why do I attract the weirdos?
You know the type - they're a friend of a friend who liked you for a while, they finally contact you, you respond being polite, and then all of a sudden BAM 10 emails in 5 minutes. You've already been petnamed. They pester you to meet them for coffee, and when you decline saying you're "too busy" - they say they will just wait then. And then they tell you how beautiful you are AGAIN!
Hey buddy - I've known you for about an hour - how's about you just back up a teensy bit?
And what sucks the most is that a lot of the time, these guys are actually pretty decent looking and you WOULD date them - but they've compulsively emailed/facebook-stalked you and ruined EVERYTHING!
NOTE TO GUYS - Yes it's sweet to tell us how pretty you think we are when you've never actually met us, it's sweet to send a couple of emails, but there is a LINE - and that line, if crossed, will take you on an express trip from Potential to Friend-Zone in about 20 seconds flat.
And we all know there's no coming back once you've been Friend-Zoned.
You know the type - they're a friend of a friend who liked you for a while, they finally contact you, you respond being polite, and then all of a sudden BAM 10 emails in 5 minutes. You've already been petnamed. They pester you to meet them for coffee, and when you decline saying you're "too busy" - they say they will just wait then. And then they tell you how beautiful you are AGAIN!
Hey buddy - I've known you for about an hour - how's about you just back up a teensy bit?
And what sucks the most is that a lot of the time, these guys are actually pretty decent looking and you WOULD date them - but they've compulsively emailed/facebook-stalked you and ruined EVERYTHING!
NOTE TO GUYS - Yes it's sweet to tell us how pretty you think we are when you've never actually met us, it's sweet to send a couple of emails, but there is a LINE - and that line, if crossed, will take you on an express trip from Potential to Friend-Zone in about 20 seconds flat.
And we all know there's no coming back once you've been Friend-Zoned.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Ooops!
So it turns out my appointment for tonight was actually meant for last night!
Somehow without realising I scheduled it yesterday for that night....oh man.
Lucky he's an understanding regular who knows I have memory slips occasionally!!
But still - stupid much princess???
Somehow without realising I scheduled it yesterday for that night....oh man.
Lucky he's an understanding regular who knows I have memory slips occasionally!!
But still - stupid much princess???
If only I didn't have feelings!
Arrgggh why oh why does my ex boyfriend still manage to get to me?
It used to be pretty painful arguing with him, but now he has a whole new weapon to use against me - that's right "So you're back to hooking then huh". Stupid me said I was having a week off the job to get my head together and make sure I was ok, and I changed my mind after being reminded by a client that I had an appointment with him tonight, and he's thrown it straight back in my face as always.
Why am I still "friends" with him? Our relationship really brings to light the meaning of the word 'frenemies' - I hate the bastard with the fire of a thousand suns some days, then other days I wish we were back together because he's the most amazing man I've ever met.
Crap.
When did life get so complicated? Two years ago things were so much easier. Now I'm an office girl by day, call girl by night, still hung up over a relationship that ended many many moons ago...okay no more pitying myself. Seriously.
Got a brazilian yesterday (a must in this job) - I wonder if I can claim waxing back on tax? I mean, I lose money if it's not well looked after so technically it should count...but my gym membership doesn't so who knows. The tax system is confusing! Will definitely have to get myself an accountant at some point.
Hmm....I wonder what underwear I'll wear tonight...
It used to be pretty painful arguing with him, but now he has a whole new weapon to use against me - that's right "So you're back to hooking then huh". Stupid me said I was having a week off the job to get my head together and make sure I was ok, and I changed my mind after being reminded by a client that I had an appointment with him tonight, and he's thrown it straight back in my face as always.
Why am I still "friends" with him? Our relationship really brings to light the meaning of the word 'frenemies' - I hate the bastard with the fire of a thousand suns some days, then other days I wish we were back together because he's the most amazing man I've ever met.
Crap.
When did life get so complicated? Two years ago things were so much easier. Now I'm an office girl by day, call girl by night, still hung up over a relationship that ended many many moons ago...okay no more pitying myself. Seriously.
Got a brazilian yesterday (a must in this job) - I wonder if I can claim waxing back on tax? I mean, I lose money if it's not well looked after so technically it should count...but my gym membership doesn't so who knows. The tax system is confusing! Will definitely have to get myself an accountant at some point.
Hmm....I wonder what underwear I'll wear tonight...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
So I'm an escort....
It's only been 2 weeks since I started out as a "sex worker" - not on the street, or in a brothel - I'm a private escort who works for herself, making appointments via email or on the phone.
Most of my friends know, my parents don't. I think the shock would probably kill them. That, or they'd disown me.
I've been lucky in that I haven't had any shocking clients yet, but then, I haven't that many clients to begin with! I work full time during the day in an office, so can't do all the jobs I'm requested for.
I had 2 back-to-back appointments booked tonight, both fairly high paying jobs too, but due to my totally shite mood today I've decided to cancel them.
Am now KICKING myself for the loss of money. They would gotten me that bit closer to my goal.
I just had one of those "OMG I'm a WHORE" days today, and I (stupidly) let it get the best of me. Stupid stupid stupid.
But then again, one client had requested golden showers (which I've never done before) so I guess it was a blessing...
Most of my friends know, my parents don't. I think the shock would probably kill them. That, or they'd disown me.
I've been lucky in that I haven't had any shocking clients yet, but then, I haven't that many clients to begin with! I work full time during the day in an office, so can't do all the jobs I'm requested for.
I had 2 back-to-back appointments booked tonight, both fairly high paying jobs too, but due to my totally shite mood today I've decided to cancel them.
Am now KICKING myself for the loss of money. They would gotten me that bit closer to my goal.
I just had one of those "OMG I'm a WHORE" days today, and I (stupidly) let it get the best of me. Stupid stupid stupid.
But then again, one client had requested golden showers (which I've never done before) so I guess it was a blessing...
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