The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today
That I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Ah...these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things - we kill I guess...
Ohh pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us you know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me...
Forgiveness

I wish I was a mute...

...then maybe I wouldn't get myself into stupid situations.

Once again, I have totally misinterpreted the situation, and made it out to be something more than it is. AGAIN.

I was embarrassed, upset, disappointed, scared, and just felt really, really foolish. I'm okay now, but I bet my face was red at the time.

I need to stop making mountains out of molehills - positively AND negatively!

I want to watch TV!

We still have no electricity! And more storms are headed our way! Lol could things get worse? Seriously!

The government is offering relief payments of $165 and I want to apply for one to cover the cost of groceries that went off in our fridge, but I don't know if I'm eligible, or if me claiming one is being totally selfish compared to the people who cant even LIVE in their houses at the moment. It's just so awful - some people have lost everything and the whole suburb has this really hushed, eerie feel to it. There are trucks and army people everywhere, and it's a bit scary. My normally leafy suburb has become completely opened up because all the trees have crashed down! Everything is exposed. It feels so weird.

Me and D arent back together, but I think we're going to give dating a try. I know it's not exactly what I was hoping for, but I am still so stoked he is actually considering us getting back together one day, and that he's putting enough faith in me to try dating! I just love him so much, and see all the good things he does for me.

Interesting question - what do I do for him? How do I complete him? I honestly dont know. There are areas that I seem to be stronger than him in, and I know I'm good to talk to, I can be rational and objective when giving advice. I know he has fun with me and I make him smile, but is that enough? There has to be more. I have to find more!

The Storm, The Question & The Waiting

HUUUUGE storm on Sunday afternoon at my place! It was crazy! Brisbane has apparently been declared a "natural disaster zone" as well - it's pretty bad. I couldn't get to work yesterday due to my street being blocked by fallen trees and powerlines! We have heaps of trees down all over the property and a smashed window, but compared to some other houses, we came out of this thing pretty well!!

Plus on top of all that, we still don't have any power (it's Tuesday) and it might not be restored until tomorrow morning! Gah! Oh and the water is contaminated so it all has to be boiled before drinking! GAH!

So last night I went and stayed at His place which I was very grateful for. Until we started arguing. But I know I'm to blame as well, instead of listening to him and taking in what he's saying, I just react and get upset which leads to me being bitchy. And me being bitchy is never good for me - I always end up being the one who gets the most upset!

Somewhere along the line, we started talking again, and I started talking about getting back together (which was unusual because normally I plan these "speeches" well in advance!!!) and he's going to think about it!

I know he has doubts, and I completely understand them, I wish I could do something to convince him I'm a different person now!

I really hope he decides to try again...I know I would be a great partner to him this time, and we wouldnt break up again. I love him with all my heart, and I would do anything (within reason) for him. I just want to make him happy.

I'm trying to just not bring it up with him (which is easy right now because I'm at work!) because I know he wants time to think without me pushing. But I just want to know! I swear I am the most impatient person on the planet! But I do know from past experience that if I push, he will definitely say no, so I will continue on with what I've got to do, and hopefully he'll make the decision "YES"!!

Interview & Moving!

I'm moving house! Yay! Moving to a really pretty apartment in the city with another girl who is SUPER super nice! I'm a bit excited! It'll be so much easier to get to work everyday, and I'll be closer to all my friends!

On another note, going for an interview at a "gentlemen's club" tonight - decided I can't go back to escorting...everytime I think about it, my skin crawls, and I just can't imagine doing it again, however the extra money would be handy especially with moving, so I thought "Well why not look at possibly doing some dancing/waitressing/hostessing?" Then I still get decent money, but there will be no actual sex which is a relief to me!

My only issues now are 1) I'm fat (well I'm a size 12, but I used to be a 10 so I feel fat) and 2) I can't dance! I assume they will provide training (and maybe diet pills? lol) so that won't be too bad.

I've just looked at some of the websites for clubs in my city and almost all the girls on there are skinny with big boobs and blonde hair! I'm shortish, curvy, with dark brown hair! And little boobs! I wish I'd been blessed with a perfect figure lol

Well there's no point stressing about it now! Will have to wait until after the "interview" tonight to form an opinion I guess!

Ugh, so sleepy. Been at work for nearly 10 hours, only 15 minutes to go though thank God! Then off to the apartment to do some paperwork, then off to the club to see if I can do it and if they even want me!!

Wish me luck!!

List

1. I will be completely honest
2. I will treat him as a friend
3. I will not call him repeatedly
4. I will be mature about things
5. I won't try to seek his attention by being self destructive
6. I won't make him the centre of my universe
7. I wont change my plans according on his opinions
8. I will listen to the advice he gives
9. I will show him respect

All these things will help me to be a better person towards him, and in my whole life.

Other things I want to do:

1. Be responsible with my housework
2. Keep up with my driving lessons
3. Stop getting CC advances
4. Be responsible with my job
5. See my friends more
6. Go to the gym!!
7. Cook healthier foods & plan ahead
8. Stick to my budgets

Now it's written down and out of my head hooray!

An Ode To Curry

I freaking LOVE red thai curry. Knowing I had it in the fridge ready for lunch today made Monday morning so much easier. Yum. I can't think of better comfort food.

I mean, the taste is great, it feels healthy even though it totally isn't, the spices release endorphins, and it's just freakin awesome! And it's sooo easy to cook as well!

I can't believe how fast this year has gone! Got our Christmas Party invites today.

I've decided to return to "work" in about a month's time. That'll give me time to sort out contraception, make sure I'm definitely okay with it, and prepare myself :-)

I'm going to use some of the money I'll earn to pay for my ATP course (equiv. Year 12) so I can then look at some further education options, see what I want to do.

The only thing that has stopped me from getting my ATP in the past was money (it's fairly expensive and needs to be paid upfront) so once I have the money it won't be a problem!

Things are falling into place the more that I think about them which is good. My ex has been helping me a lot, talking me through things, letting me bounce ideas off him etc. It's been really nice! I just keep reminding myself where things are at with us, and I'm fine :-)